Flourishing romances are more the result of proactive behaviors than soulmate spark, study finds

🌈 Abstract

The article discusses a study that challenges the notion of "soulmate" relationships, finding that enduring and flourishing romantic relationships are more the result of proactive behaviors and personal virtues of the partners rather than spontaneous love and emotional spark.

🙋 Q&A

[01] Soulmate Beliefs and Relationship Outcomes

1. What are the key findings of the study regarding soulmate beliefs and relationship outcomes?

• The study found that couples who are flourishing are significantly more likely to engage in proactive behaviors such as showing compassion, spending meaningful time together, doing acts of kindness, and participating in relationship maintenance.
• Flourishing couples report scores that are typically three times higher than other couples on these intentional aspects of relationships.
• The study challenges the notion that loving and lasting relationships are founded on the idea of a soulmate love, and suggests that oneness in marriage is primarily made, not found.

2. How do the authors recommend that single adults shift their thinking about relationships? The authors recommend that single adults shift their thinking from finding a "One-and-Only" relationship to creating what they call an "Only-One" marriage, by:

• Avoiding a consumer approach to relationships
• Fostering realistic expectations about relationships
• Developing a mature understanding of love
• Following healthy dating trajectories
• Maintaining optimism while resolving break-ups

[02] Personal Virtues and Proactive Behaviors

1. What are the key personal virtues and proactive behaviors that the study found to be associated with high-connection couples?

• Commitment to the relationship
• Other-centeredness and compassion
• Spending meaningful time together
• Doing acts of kindness for each other
• Forgiving offenses in the marriage
• Engaging in relationship maintenance behaviors

2. How do the levels of these personal virtues and proactive behaviors differ between high-connection and low-connection couples?

• Spouses in high-connection marriages have nearly 3 times higher scores on commitment, other-centeredness, and compassion compared to low-connection couples.
• High-connection couples have more than 3 times higher scores on proactive behaviors like spending meaningful time together, doing acts of kindness, and forgiving offenses.
• High-connection couples also score nearly twice as high on relationship maintenance behaviors compared to low-connection couples.

[03] Relationship Outcomes

1. How do the relationship outcomes differ between high-connection and low-connection couples?

• Spouses in high-connection marriages score nearly twice as high as low-connection couples on their ratings of current life satisfaction and the amount of meaning and purpose they have in their lives.

2. What is the key message the authors convey about the importance of personal virtues and proactive behaviors for achieving flourishing relationships? The authors conclude that cultural myths surrounding the search for "the one" may be undermining the quality and longevity of relationships, while a focus on personal virtues and purposeful behaviors has been found to help couples achieve higher rates of relational connectivity and flourishing in marriage.